The final clause of this sentence throws the sound of this sentence off to me, but what are the grammatical reasons?

Here is the sentence that was constructed as a part of a vision statement. I KNOW in my bones it is off, but can't say why. I would love some insight!

Our goal is to establish the best sector as the major sector of the industry, that it deserves to be.

Solution 1:

I have an idea as to why the end may seem off, but as was noted, the sentence as a whole does not make sense. I may be able to make better suggestions for revision with additional context.

Some possibilities:

Our goal is to establish our sector as the best in the industry, as it deserves to be

Our goal is to ensure that the biggest sector in the industry is also the best sector in the industry

Our goal is to ensure that the best sector in the industry becomes the biggest

Our goal is to establish our sector as the major competitor in our industry that it deserves to be

Regarding the ending: the part after the comma is a dependent clause that is modifying an earlier part of your sentence.

Commas are only used with dependent clauses that are non-essential to the meaning of a sentence. Modifiers using "that" are typically essential to a sentence, and thus should not be used with a comma.

Some examples of dependent clauses that are essential:

• I want to be the best writer that I can be
• She saw walls that were 10 feet high

In contrast:

• The walls, which were 10 feet high, were rather imposing
• I want to win the writing award, which I know I deserve