Polite version of "They don't give us jacksh*t"

Solution 1:

This no doubt dates me, but we used to use:

doodly squat, also-doodley squat, also-diddly squat

1. a minimum amount or degree; the least bit (usually used in the negative):

"This coin collection isn't worth doodly-squat in today's market."

to mean the same thing. According to Random House, it goes back to 1934.

Merriam Webster speculates that it is:

perhaps an alteration of do one's do (to defecate) + squat

Dictionary.com says that it is:

probably euphemistic variant of doodly-shit, diddlyshit

It was considered "clean" enough for our 1960s era cheerleaders to use in the chant:

Our team is red-hot,
Your team ain't doodly-squat

And your sentence would then be...

They don't give parents doodly-squat.

Or

That listserv is only good for doodly-squat.

Solution 2:

A cleaner version of jacksh*t is jack:

US informal
short for jack shit

There's nothing closer to the original meaning, and it's considerably more polite than the full expression.

And your sentence would then be

They don't give parents jack.

Solution 3:

Beyond curses-that-aren't-curses, also consider words that are strongly negative, like "worthless" and "useless".

The information is practically worthless.

Though it pains me to admit it, this is a time I see the value of using "literally" for emphasis. "They literally don't give parents anything useful." In such situations, "Practically" and "Virtually" are my go-to replacements, so you may try:

Virtually nothing of value

Solution 4:

The Online Slang Dictionary gives several delightful alternatives, including:

boo – bumpkiss – bupkis – dick – diddly-squat – f**k all – fu**le – goose egg – jack – jack sh!t – jack squat – nunya – sh!t – squat – zilch – zip – zippo

Not all of these would fit your purpose. If I had to choose, in a semi-professional situation where I would not want to swear, I might go with

They give parents a big fat goose-egg.

which has some colorful but clean intensifiers, or possibly string some of them together for emphasis:

They give parents nothing--zip, zero, zilch, nada.