Is there an idiom/proverb in English to denote unfair discrimination?
In Tamil, we have a proverb that roughly translates into English as
If the mother-in-law breaks the pot, it is just clay . But if the daughter-in-law breaks the pot, it is made of gold!
Background
This proverb is funnily (and sometimes very sarcastically) used to highlight the conflicts/difference of opinions between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws in the very early stages of a marriage.
In South India, arranged marriages are the norm and in such a setting, the bride typically takes considerable amount of time to adjust into the groom's family. Suppose, if there are any confrontations/ disagreements very early in a marriage between the bride and her mother in law and if the groom is highly supportive to his mother (and his family), this saying is used by outsiders/family members of the bride. In essence, they are accusing the groom for not taking the neutral ground and showing partiality towards his mother (the girl's mother-in-law).
Unfortunately, my research for an English equivalent drew a blank.
Any suggestions?
In "The Animals Sick of the Plague", the fabulist Jean de la Fontaine wrote:
Depending on whether you are rich or wretched, the Court will judge you black or white.
The original moral of the fable:
Selon que vous serez puissant ou misérable,
Les jugements de cour vous rendront blanc ou noir.
is sometimes translated as:
Thus human courts acquit the strong,
And doom the weak, as therefore wrong.
You might try: What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander.
This phrase is usually written as "What's good for the goose is good for the gander". It means:
What is good for one type is equally good for another type, despite any irrelevant differences between the types (e.g. man vs. woman)
So this reversal of is to isn't would mean that those irrelevant differences do matter.
There is a quote from Terry Pratchett's 1987 book "Mort"
"There's no justice," said Mort. "Just us."
I have different forms of this used in senses similar to the one you describe; that is, to imply half-jokingly that some person or group uses one set of rules for "us" and another for "them". An example would be: "that's his idea of justice: just us."
Google searching suggests that variations of this phrase are in common use.
This is a bit of a stretch, but I think it’s arguable that what the Mother-in-Law (and maybe others who are on her side) is saying about the value of such pots and about how they shouldn’t be broken applies only to the Daughter-in-Law and not to herself, which perhaps could be paraphrased as (and have some relevance here):
Do as I (she) say(s), not as I (she) do(es).
Prov. Take my advice, even though I am acting contrary to it.
(from ‘McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs’ via ‘The Free Dictionary by Farlex’)
Another one that could perhaps be more easily stretched to fit your [family hierarchy] context is a quote attributed to both Benazir Bhutto (1953-2007) (wrongly, in my opinion), the first woman to lead a Muslim country and Margaret Thatcher (rightly, imo), the first woman prime minister of the UK:
If a woman is tough, she is pushy/strident, if a man is tough, gosh, he’s a great leader.
(attribution to Ms Bhutto from ‘Feminine Fusion and attribution to Ms Thatcher [by Ms Bhutto herself] from ‘The Assassination of Benazir Bhutto’ by Yasir Hussain, via ‘Google Books’) )
Regardless of who said it first, this quote, although neither a proverb nor an idiom, is used to express and “denote unfair discrimination” (sometimes with less flattering (read: pejorative) labels used for tough women and a variety of different labels, always meant to be positive, for tough men.
To the extent that your questions requires an expression of unfair discrimination in the specific context of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law /son/husband tension/conflict, you could easily adapt it as follows:
If the daughter-in-law [If your wife] is tough, she is pushy; if the mother-in-law [If your mother] is tough, she is a strong [family] leader.