Awkward mission statement with "being" used possibly incorrectly in a participle clause [closed]

I am a native English speaker but have lived abroad for many years now. I hear various proficiencies in English every day and therefore, some common mistakes that wouldn't sound natural/correct back home slowly sound fine to me now. So, recently a friend wrote a mission statement for an educational institution. The missions statement to me sounds awkward and I'm trying to clarify why.

Here is the mission statement:

Being a private and ACO accredited school, the Valley East Side is the place where everyone learns to be the one who makes the world a better place.

To me, "Being a private and ACO accredited school" is awkward but I can't put my thumb on exactly why.

"The Valley East Side" is not correct because the isn't typically used with proper names.

We don't write "the New York", for example.

"Everyone learns to be the one who" sounds repetitive with "the one" being used in such a manner.

Also, the one is usually used in the predicate and not in the subject.
For example: He is the one whom I was mentioning.
Not: The one whom I was mentioning is the right guy.

Next, "Valley East Side is the place where everyone learns"... Wouldn't using the article "a" instead of "the" work better since there is no exclusivity? It's not an advertisement like as following:
New York is THE place to be. The idea is that we are a place and not the place to be.

Thanks for any comments! I'm mostly concerned with the "Being" clause but any comments are welcome.

Solution 1:

With the note that the on-topic guidelines for this Stack Exchange don't include requests for proofreading, let's address some of the concerns you've already raised.

1. "Being a [X], Y is..." is grammatically valid but, yes, awkward. An improvement would be "As a private and ACO-accredited school, Valley East Side is...." Why? Perhaps because the "Being __" construction is most appropriate when there's a stronger causative link to the rest of the sentence. ("Being a bear of very little brain, Pooh was unconcerned with the existential implications of Heffalumps.")

   1A. For that matter, the whole "As a __, we __" construction implies a logical connection that doesn't exist. Being private and accredited doesn't have a causal relationship to students learning to improve the world.

2. If "the" is a part of the proper noun then of course it should be included and capitalized, but it sounds like this is not the case.

3. Sure, "everyone learns to be the one who" is a bit repetitive. No, there's nothing wrong with "the one" in a subject ("The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me"), and anyway it is in fact in a predicative relationship at the moment ("everyone learns to be the one"). But yes, it's a bad choice for other reasons.

   3A. It's commonly overlooked that the word "everyone" is in fact singular. But it's still "generic" rather than specific: every one can be a one, but it's a bit odd for every one to be the one. I could imagine a construction that creates this paradox on purpose ("Here, everyone is the most important!"), but without such cognitive dissonance write large, a construction like "everyone learns to be a [global citizen, etc]" might make more sense.

   3B. The other problem with "everyone learns to be the one who" is the problem with the entire sentence: it is convoluted and inefficient. You could say "everyone learns to make the world a better place. (You might lose some semantic connotation of individual responsibility, in which you are "The One" to make a difference, but that implication was never explicated clearly.)

4. "Valley East Side is the place where" vs "a place where"? Sure, your point is valid, and there are assuredly other places where youngsters learn to make a difference. But on the other hand, this is a type of advertisement, and in that context, I think some definite articling is taken with a grain of salt. Ace Hardware advertises itself as "The Place with the Helpful Hardware Man." I don't think anyone really supposes that it's the only such place (or, if we were meant to take it that literally, then everybody better get in line for the one "helpful" man!).

   4A. There's more convolution and inefficiency in "X is the place where Y happens." How about "... at Valley East Side, everyone learns to make the world a better place."

5. Wait, this is a "mission statement"? Well, it's shorter than most, I'll give it that, but why does it start by stating that it's private and accredited? It sounds more like a succinct sales pitch. Perhaps it's meant only as a public-facing statement, more of a slogan. I should hope there are more internal goals identified than "making the world a better place," and indeed as a prospective parent I'd want to hear something a bit more substantial.