Solution 1:

This VMWare article may be useful (http://kb.vmware.com/selfservice/microsites/search.do?language=en_US&cmd=displayKC&externalId=1081)

This is relevant since ESX is built on Linux.

Basically modify BIOS settings like this:

  • System->OS Selection: Windows 2000
  • Advanced Options->MPS Table Mode: Full Table APIC

I haven't explicitly tested this resolution on the system you are using, but I have seen similar issues on hardware of the same age.

Solution 2:

Ok, so after all this time it turns out that for some reason it just 'started working'. In fact, it may have been working the entire time, and I just didn't realize it. It's a little bit odd, but CPUs 2 and 4 get ~90% of the work, while CPUs 1 and 3 get ~10%, which would explain why I felt a physical difference in the temperature of the processors when I pulled the machine apart. Thank you for all of your answers nonetheless.