Manipulativeness of the progressive aspect in "to be wondering if"

I am around a group of people who, for whatever reason, have developed the habit of talking odd tenses. I'm no English or grammar expert but here is what I mean.

Instead of saying "Can I borrow your car?", they might say " I was wondering if I could borrow your car." Or, instead of "Is the mechanic's name Robert?", they might say "I am wondering if the mechanic's name is Robert."

These aren't great examples but the bottom line is, when I talk to these people, I often feel manipulated or that they are generally manipulative in the language use.

Does any of this make sense? Is it perhaps recognized as a topic of study I could research? Say, "How people use the continuous aspect in manipulative conversation" or something like that.

If this makes absolutely no sense to anyone, feel free to heckle...

****Many thanks to all who gave an answer to this. My examples weren't the best but I think what you have shown me is that the people around me choose to speak in a very passive voice. I think they "hedge" a lot more than people in other peer groups. However, the feeling of manipulation comes from the expectation that I will measure up to certain norms of "nicety" or "niceness" (sorry, I don't know the right word) because they were so nice and passive they way they asked. This may not make any more sense than my first post but thanks! I appreciate your love for language.

Solution 1:

I'm going to speculate here, because I am one of those people that says "I was wondering..." pretty regularly. The aside Andrew Leach is referencing is decent as well, but I feel like it might not capture the essence perfectly.

I would argue that adding "I was wondering..." is actually the opposite of manipulative - when I use the phrase I feel like it is less confrontational than a direct question. If I ask you "What is the mechanic's name?" I am implying that I expect you to know the answer. If I say "I was wondering what the mechanic's name is?" I am in essence indicating that while I certainly need to know the answer, I don't necessarily expect you to be the person who will provide me that information. I'm attempting to take some of the pressure out of the question.

I've never put much thought into it before now; it seems fairly silly in retrospect. But I would definitely not feel that I was attempting to manipulate anyone by saying, instead I'm trying to give them an easy out if they don't know the answer.

Solution 2:

This is not a matter of "manipulativeness" (which is an individual judgement of others' motives), but rather of politeness (which is a social universal).

As Edwin has pointed out, this is a form of indirectness known in Politeness Theory as "hedging". Bald on-record orders like Open the door! challenge the addressee's face and status, whereas indirect requests following from utterances like I was wondering whether you might open the door are not on record and do not threaten. Many of these hedging strategies have become fixed phrases with their own pragmatic import.

For instance, the hedging modal auxiliary shall occurs in American English almost exclusively in two constructions, both first person:

• in first person plural, as an indirect invitation for the addressee to participate in some activity with the speaker

  • Shall we dance?

• in first person singular, as an indirect noffer to perform a service for the addressee

  • Shall I open the window?

Every language has loads of politeness phenomena that aren't encoded in grammar, but piggy-back on it in ordinary speech. Don't expect language to be literal, except occasionally and unpredictably.