A snappy and inoffensive alternative for "calm your tits" [closed]

Solution 1:

I recommend trying something sing-songy and verging on nonsense, in hopes that the very doggerel aspect of it will have catchy appeal to a 12-year-old. For example:

Easy-peasy, don't be sleazy.

or

Keep cool and don't drool.

Both of these have, besides goofy rhymes, a vaguely suggestive component ("sleazy" and "drool") that seems indefinitely subversive without actually being particularly offensive. Unfortunately, my first suggestion might do better with an 8- to 10-year-old than with a 12-year-old, and the second one can easily mutate into "Keep a cool tool, fool," which uses tool in a sexually ambiguous way and in fact is part of a longer piece of junkyard rhyme that removes any ambiguity in that regard.

Another option might be

Don't lose your fuse.

which recommends (kind of) against metaphorically blowing up.

Not so very long ago, every 12-year-old under the spell of The Simpsons delighted in quoting Bart Simpson's catch-phrase "Don't have a cow, man!" on the least provocation. But fashion being what it is, you might have to subject your child to weekly marathons of early-season episodes of The Simpsons to get buy-in from him on that wording—and it still might not happen.

In any case, I wish you luck in your search for an inoffensive alternative to the catchphrase that you are currently struggling against.

Solution 2:

If you wanted to be gender-sensitive, you could say to males, Calm your mits. or Calm your man-tits.

The alternative versions work:

1. Take a chill pill.
2. Calm down!
3. Woah, there.
4. Woah, Nelly! Naayyy! (like a horse)
5. Chill.

More alternatives can be found here.