So, apparently I have a hypervisor when I don't?

Solution 1:

Solution found. I blame MuMu devs being lazy and assuming any virtualization based issue was because of Hyper-V. The issue was not Hyper-V as the error message claimed but rather hardware virtualization being used by Memory Isolation in Windows Defender as well as Device Guard in Windows.

For any users googling around with a similar issue, I'll leave disabling Memory Isolation to the numerous other articles.

To disable Device Guard, open Regedit, navigate to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\DeviceGuard, then set the value for EnableVirtualizationBasedSecurity to 0.

Finally, in an elevated command prompt use the command:

bcdedit /set hypervisorlaunchtype off